


Ashes

by legend126



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, M/M, Mild Smut, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Supernatural Major Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-09 02:22:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15257310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legend126/pseuds/legend126
Summary: Can beauty come out of ashes?- Céline Dion





	Ashes

**ASHES**

#    
  
  


_ what's  left to  say? _ _   
_ _ these prayers ain't working anymore _

#    
  
  


“ _ AH _ !” Sam screamed to the ceiling as he reached for his gun under his pillow and aiming at what seemed like a figure standing by his bed before he shoots, he sees electric blue eyes staring back at him. Sam frowned, lowering his gun down and immediately being concerned at Castiel’s disheveled state. The angel swayed side to side with slightly hooded eyes. “Woah!” exclaimed Sam when Castiel suddenly leaned forward to the younger Winchester, nearly crashing into his body if it wasn’t for Sam catching him before he could fall completely on him. The gun clattered to the ground and Castiel sighed a sigh that sounded too  _ human _ for Sam’s liking. 

“What-What happened to you, man?” stammered Sam, getting up from the bed to soon replace places so that Castiel was now laying on the bed. The angel ignored him as he turned onto his side, his back to Sam and pulling up the covers over his body. 

“M’ drunk,” Castiel slurred, shoulders relaxing when finding a good position to sleep in Sam’s bed, where Sam was fucking sleeping peacefully a few minutes ago. 

Sam was baffled. “ _ Again _ ?” he asked, unbelievingly shocked of the fact that the angel would’ve gone out to drink. 

Castiel shook his head. “Yes, ‘ _ again _ ,’” he says, “Iasshldbdnmjkl,” he muffled into the pillow and Sam frowned even more. What was the hell up with the angel?

“You do know you’re sleeping in my bed, right?” questioned Sam warily, a little pissed off from the turn of events.

“‘es, Sam, I know that.” He shoots right back up, his hair poking out in all directions, eyes squinted angrily but tiredly at the man standing above him. “‘top bothering me and leave me  _ alooooooooone _ .” With that,

Castiel dropped back into Sam’s comfortable bed and covers himself again with the blankets. 

San stood awkwardly by the bed, deciding between sleeping in one of the spare rooms in the bunker or sleeping on the couch. But in doing either one of the choices, Sam would’ve had to grab extra blankets and another pillow from a room. With an intense wave of tiredness and feeling like shit crashing onto him, he decides to sleep on his own bed— with  _ Castiel _ . Too tired to cover himself too or fucking care about boundaries, he sleeps immediately. 

He didn’t want to say that he was disappointed when he woke up alone in bed, the spot next to him cold, but then Sam would’ve been lying. 

That was one of the best sleep he had ever have in his life.

#    
  
  


_ every word shot down in flames _

_ what's left to do with these broken pieces on the floor? _ __   
  


#    
  


Sam and Dean came back from a very tiring and emotional case that Sam

wanted nothing but to be in his bedroom and stare at the ceiling for hours. However, when upon opening his door, his tracks stopped.

Castiel had a picture frame in his hands, eyebrows scrunched together like he would always do whenever confused. He looks up the same thing Sam does. Both silent for a moment until Castiel finally spoke.

“This is...Mary, is it not?” he asked, referring to the picture.

“Yes,” said Sam, the hand on the doorknob tightening. “Why are you here again?”

Castiel visually frowned and his head dropped, his attention on the picture of Mary again. “I...I will leave if this makes you feel that uncomfortable,” he insisted, but Sam could’ve sworn he heard the disappointment in his voice. 

“No.” Sam waved his hands in protest when Castiel started to get up from sitting in Sam’s bed. “I was just wondering, Cas. I’m not telling you to leave,” he says. “Why are you even here, then?”

Suddenly, Castiel looked embarrassed and looked down at his shoes. What was up with this angel and eye contact? Castiel never had an issue with staring and making the other person feel as uncomfortable as fuck. It annoyed Sam to no end that Castiel suddenly had an interest in him when it was always  _ Dean and Cas _ , not Sam and Cas. Speaking of the devil— ahem,  _ angel _ — he was clearly nervous as if Sam was the one always going to his room whenever he felt like it and denied to tell the said person  _ why _ . 

“It’s nice here,” said Castiel, still refusing to look at Sam.

Yeah, like if  _ that _ made any fucking sense. 

“Right… you can stay,” began warily Sam as he made his way to his bed, walking around Castiel and flopping onto it, arms behind his head and eyes closing, “the controller is next to the T.V. if you wanna watch Netflix.”

The sound of the T.V. turning on confirmed that Castiel definitely did want something. When Sam opened his eyes again, he couldn’t help but scoff at the poor angel who was still standing by the bed, the controller in his hand but luckily his attention was finally on the T.V. instead of his goddamn shoes. 

“C’mon, man,” groaned Sam. “Sit on the fucking bed at least. You look like a sad statue standing like that.”

Castiel’s eyes finally made eye contact with him, but they were widened in shock at Sam’s blunt profanity, but Sam could’ve not cared less. With Castiel still standing like he didn’t know what the hell to do, Sam reached over to grab Castiel’s sleeve and pulled hard. Yelping and off guard, Castiel crashed into the spot next to Sam, his chin nearly colliding with the younger Winchester’s shoulder. Seriously, when did Castiel become so  _ clumsy _ ? 

“Sorry- I’m sorry,” stammered Castiel as he tried to arrange himself so that he was sitting properly.

Reaching for the remote, he puts on Netflix and hands it back to a flustered Castiel. “What are we watching?” asked Sam. 

“Um, I don’t exactly know yet,” Castiel confessed. 

“Put on  _ The Office _ .”

Castiel frowned. “ _ The Office _ ? Isn’t that a place where people would consider it to be boring?” he asked.

Sam actually laughed at that. “Yes, it is. But not this particular office,” he says and winks. 

Sam tried not to be distracted by how Castiel blushed at that and turned away, giving into Sam’s request.

Honestly, what the fuck was wrong with this angel and his strange behavior?

#    
  
  


_ i'm losing my voice calling on you _

#    
  
  


_ I heard your call. _

_ Nothing is worth losing you. _

_ I was lost until I took on your pain. _

_ If you want to talk, I’m here if you need anything.  _

_ You mean too much to me. _

_ I love you. I love  _ all _ of you. _

Was Sam over analyzing this? It couldn’t be possible.

All those soft touches that Sam wouldn’t even felt it if he wasn’t paying attention to Castiel. All of Castiel’s smiles whenever Sam said something hilarious or not even remotely funny. All of those worried glances whenever Sam got hurt during a hunt. It just couldn’t be.  _ Was Castiel in love _ —? No. 

No.

It seemed too good to be true.

Especially with all of the gentle expressions that would cross his face whenever he would look at Sam.

It was too good to even be imaginable.

#    
  
  


_ cause i've been shaking _

_ i've been bending backwards till i'm broke _   
  


#    
  


Sam’s mind was a dangerous place. If he thought of closing his eyes, memories of his time during in Hell with Lucifer flashed back to him like a wave in a storm. He would immediately force himself not to close his eyes for more than three seconds. With the said devil back on Earth and torturing Sam with his wicked words, he could no longer control his dreams and thoughts. 

So, waking up drenched in sweat and nearly screaming wasn’t a surprise to him at all. Sam’s eyes darted all over the place to make sure he wasn’t back in that shithole of a place. He sighed in relief when he realized he was only in the bunker in his bedroom.

Without thinking, he reached over to his phone and he froze. What was he doing? The habit of calling Castiel every day at 9 am was something he didn’t do anymore, especially with Castiel missing along with Kelly happened. Angry and half disappointed, he gets up from the bed and proceeded to put on his clothes. 

He told himself he wasn’t going to call. He wasn’t going to give in for Castiel purposely ignoring his calls. He promised not to let the angel control his thoughts too, despite Castiel always answering to Sam’s prayers and his calls— he wasn’t going to. But… what if?

Castiel didn’t answer that day.

Or even after his death.

#    
  
  


_ watching all these dreams go up in smoke _   
  


#    
  


“You say goodbye,” Sam tells Jack, who continued to stare innocently up at him. The fire started to sting his eyes, but he wasn’t sure if whether it was that or the overwhelming feeling he had in his gut. Castiel died too soon. Just when they had their win, he had to be fucking stabbed by the devil himself. One of Sam’s worst nightmares coming true with just an angel blade. 

It pained him too much as he had to run and check on what was happening in the house, the memory of Castiel dying before his eyes on repeated in his head. What made Castiel ditch the brothers and defend this baby? It had to be something he saw that did it. This baby had to be worth it— after the shit they all went through, Sam wasn’t going to throw all of this away. Castiel’s desire to look after the child and trust it, baffled the hell out of Sam. After talking to Jack and getting to know him, a part of Sam now knew why Castiel was hellbent on protecting him. 

He was only just a child. 

With an unspoken promise into his pillow drenched in his hot tears, he swore to Castiel and Kelly that he would look after Jack until the day he would die. 

#    
  
  


_ let beauty come out of ashes _

#    
  
  


“Sam,” whispered Castiel, his hand running through Sam’s sweaty hair. “You need to eat. You also have a fever.”

The younger Winchester shook his head, refusing to open his eyes and face the world outside. He could his fingers gripping painfully at Castiel’s arm that wasn’t occupied. “Stay a little, please?” he begged. 

Castiel audibly sighed above him and proceeded to make himself comfortable next to Sam, his chin on top of Sam’s head and Sam’s face into the crook Castiel’s neck. It was a little uncomfortable with Sam literally leaned up against the headboard, but the angel didn’t express his discomfort. Sam released a shaky breath and could feel a shiver making its way up his spine and Castiel snuggled closer. 

Sam couldn’t have cared less if this seemed too tender or domestic. Nothing else mattered than this moment with the angel. He couldn’t remember the last time he had ever been held like this. It felt nice...until the door was being knocked loudly.

“C’mon, Sam!” yelled Dean from the other side of the door. “I found something.”

This was so unfair.   
  


 

_ let beauty come out of ashes _   
  


__

 

“You loved him, didn’t you?” 

Sam’s breathing hitched as he went to stare at Dean with wide unshed tears. Dean’s hand lay comfortably on his shoulder, sending a small sad smile down at him. Sam couldn’t help but chuckle sadly, the tears now falling freely.

“It’s stupid, right?” he laughed, bitterly. He looked down at his hand, where he held his treasure. It was a necklace with a locket, nothing too fancy. But it was enough for Sam. 

Dean shook his head as he sat next to his brother, leaning backward and breathing out as he stared at the dark sky above them both. “I did always wonder why you’d carry that around,” he confessed and Sam flinched again, but of surprise.

“I hid this from you for a reason, Dean,” sighed Sam. “I would always carry a piece of him in the locket, so I’d always know that I have an angel watching over me.” 

“But why would you hide this from me?” he asked, sounding a little hurt. 

Sam avoided meeting his brother’s eyes as he spoke. “Thought you’d be mad at me...” he confessed. 

“Why the hell would I?” he started, shocked.

“...that I was trying to tear apart this family.”

It was Dean’s turn to be sad and so he sighed, leaning back forward. “Am I shocked? Yes, but am I angry that my brother didn’t tell me this sooner? No… or maybe yes too, but the point is that I would never be mad at you for loving 

someone. Even if it was an alien… literally.” 

Sam nodded, slightly smiling under his hair that draped over his face as he proceeded to stare at the locket in his hand. He could basically feel Dean’s curiosity towards the object and what was inside of it.

“It’s him,” he just said and Dean tensed up next to him.

“You-you mean it’s his—?” 

Sam shook his head. “Not directly, just the leftovers after the fire disappeared,” he says. “I-I just needed something from him,” he chuckled again bitterly, tears threatening to build up again. “How do you keep something never owned  _ once _ from someone?” 

Dean was silent.

“He was all I had beside you, Dean,” sniffed Sam, “and he never knew.”

#    
  
  


_ and when i pray to God all i ask is _ _   
_ _ can beauty come out of ashes? _ __   
  


#    
  


Castiel would always stay by Sam wherever they went and stay quiet. He didn’t know why and also didn’t know why Castiel would choose this day out of all of the days to shadow him. The younger Winchester was beginning to be a little annoyed with the angel literally right next to him as they watched t.v., his eyes glued to the screen and his arm plastered right next to Sam.

“Holy fuck, what do you want!?” suddenly snapped Sam as he jumped out of the couch, facing at the angel when he felt Castiel’s thigh slowly making its way closer to his. 

With wide blue eyes, he opened his mouth only to close it again. Still staring, he raises his hand and made a shoo-ing motion to him. 

“You’re blocking the way,” he only says with a deadpan expression and of course he could nail that without looking like an actual human being. 

“You’ve been constantly  _ following _ me and  _ pestering _ me this entire freakin’ day! I don’t know what it is from me that you want, but I don’t have it and I probably won’t even give it you given you being so goddamn  _ annoying _ ,” growled Sam, but he couldn’t sound angry even if he could try. Cas was his friend.

Castiel thought otherwise apparently because he gets up from the couch with the remote in his hand, proceeded to turn it off and then dropping it onto the floor and walked out of the living room, leaving Sam alone in the dark, his mouth wide open in shock. Now, Castiel had the nerve to finally leave him alone right after he blew up at him like an asshole. Groaning, because he had a headache due to a particular angel, he dropped himself onto the couch again and sighed. His head rolled back so that his neck bent awkwardly over the edge of the couch, his throat now on full view for everyone to see.

Nothing made any fucking sense here.

Sam shook himself back to his senses later in the day where Castiel was currently and basically sitting on Sam’s lap when they had to fit themselves in a stolen two-seater car because somebody had stolen the Impala (which Dean wasn’t very happy about) and were now on a massive car chase after the monsters who stole it. Castiel kept fucking  _ shifting _ around in Sam’s lap as if he was a goddamn uncomfortable seat. 

“ _ Cas _ ,” growled Sam, attempting not to reveal his very hard situation he was possessing down below his belt in his voice. It was understandable that someone would get sexually aroused with someone literally on their lap and be moving  _ around _ . 

The car loudly screeched as Dean quickly spun the wheel, causing Castiel to once again, shift more into Sam, who now groaned out...quite fucking loudly. Luckily, he hit his head onto the window the same time he happened to released an embarrassing sound that Dean probably never leave him alone with. When the car suddenly was about to make another turn that was bound to finally snap Sam’s frustrated brain in half, he grabbed Castiel’s hips and gripped so harshly that Sam wasn’t surprised when Castiel yelped in shock. 

“Hold on!” screamed Dean, once again turning the car briskly. He didn’t even notice what the hell was happening with his angel and his little brother next to him. 

Castiel had to at least be  _ aware _ of Sam’s... friend because he no longer shifted around unless forced to. Surely with years of experience with humans and the brothers, Cas had to realize when someone was sexually attracted to him. The angel would have to be so damn thick minded to not notice every tempted look being thrown his way— every man, woman, angel, demon, hell even monsters have at least eye-fucking him. How fucking dense could Cas be? 

“ _ Thank shit _ ,” hissed Sam when they stopped the car for Dean to run after the monsters who had the decency to jump out the car and into the river next to the bridge. Castiel jumped out of Sam’s lap and to outside, the heavy pressure off from Sam. He sighed loudly and slumped more into his seat.

He could definitely feel Castiel’s daring eyes on him, but he could have cared less. All that mattered, was the close intimacy between them two finally gone. He opened his eyes that he didn’t know were closed to look at Castiel, whose attention was still on him. His tongue popped out to wet his bottom lip and his pupils were blown wide. It was undeniable that Castiel was clearly aroused too.

They both knew that they left Dean behind when they both got into the small car to drive to the nearest motel. Sam left a text message to let Dean know the address and to leave them alone for… three hours at least. They both knew it was definitely a mutual interest when they barged into a room, mouthing at each other necks and shaky hands touching everywhere. Castiel throws his head back to moan loudly and Sam panted as he pushed the angel onto the bed. 

“ _ Fuck _ , Cas,” exhorted Sam, nearly snarling in appreciation at the angel sprawled out on the bed, heaving for air and making grabby hands at Sam, which would’ve been weird for a grown man to do, but to Sam, it was the most sexiest thing he has ever seen. 

“That is the point,” growled Castiel as he got from his back to aggressively pull Sam by his shirt on top of him and between his legs. They both moan at the contact then continued to kiss each other as if their lives depended on it as if they were the only people left on Earth, as if they were lovers that haven’t seen each other in a long fucking time. 

As if they loved one another. 

#    
  


_ can you use these tears to put out the fires in my soul? _   
'cause  **I** need you here __   
  


When Dean and Jack made their way to the Impala, Sam was alone with the ashes left on the ground and the burnt wood. Numb and heartbroken, he bends down to scoop the ashes with the locket he’d always carry around in his pocket ever since Castiel died by the Leviathans. He kept a torn piece from his trench coat in it. 

Closing the locket, he gulped as he tried to blink away the tears that were threatening to come out. He was tired of it. His hope of his family finally being able to be reunited and happy again was crushed with a blade and the devil. Everything they went through to make sure that Jack wouldn’t destroy the Earth, was easily pushed aside by their failure to protect Cas and their mom. How dare Dean act like Sam didn’t care?

Cas was his friend too…

...and everything he ever wanted in life.

“ _ Cas _ ,” whispered out Sam, distressed for his lover? Friend? “We need you back here. Jack actually thinks you’re his dad, so it’s better to let him think that way. Dean’s really beat up about it. You know how he is. And, well, I...I need you here too.” He gets up, staring at the thousands of ashes left from the fire. “The-The bunker won’t be the same without you, man,” he chuckled bitterly. “Who am I going to watch  _ The Office _ with now, right?” His voice cracked loudly embarrassingly at the last word and that was it. He breaks down in tears. 

“Damn it, Cas,” he cursed, tears blurring his vision as he looked up at the sky, expecting some kind of sign that he was listening. That God was listening and will bring back his angel. 

“Come back home soon, won’t you?” 

#    
  


_ 'cause i've been shaking _ _   
_ _ i've been bending backwards till i'm broke _ __   
  


#    
  


“Sam!” yelled Dean as he scurried to pick up his brother from the floor of his bedroom. The younger and sweaty Winchester groaned in pain while Dean dragged him back to his sweat-drenched bed. “Why didn’t you tell me you had a fever?” he snapped.

Sam grudgingly pointed his chin at Castiel who stood by the bed. “He was helping me, don’t worry about it,” he said and when he was finished, Dean frowned.

“‘ _ He _ ’?” he echoed, confused and concerned for Sam. 

“Cas, man. Don’t you see—?” Sam trailed off when he went to dart his eyes to the angel, only to see the wall staring back at him. The memories of Castiel dying flashed before his head and he groaned again, the urge to vomit rising in his stomach but he holds it back, and feels tears prickling in his eyes. “Oh.”

Dean lets out a shuddering sigh and he patted Sam’s shoulder twice before getting up from his bed. “I’ll get you some pills,” he says and leaves Sam alone in his pity. 

He feels himself shaking as he grabbed the locket from under his pillow along with his gun sitting there and he sighed in relief to seeing them both there safely. His fingers threaded through the chains of the necklace and lets it hang loosely when he picks it up in front of him. The locket stared right back at him. On the outside, it was nothing special. It was an ordinary silver plastic locket, it didn’t hold much worth. Although in the inside, it held twice the worth of anything object-like in Sam’s life. 

“I never did say goodbye to you, did I?” he asked to the locket, laughing sadly. “Now I really wished I did hug you a little longer all these years ago.”

A shame he could never carry it out.

_ watching all these dreams go up in smoke _ __   
  


“Hello, Sam.” Arms wrapped around his waist and he would’ve nearly attacked Castiel if he didn’t notice sooner that it was him. The angel’s face was colored warm with the sunset in the distance and he was finally wearing something other than a trench coat and his black pants. The sight of Castiel wearing a thin white short-sleeved shirt and tan shorts and sandals was enough for Sam to gape at him. The angel looked genuinely happy. A rare smile on his face. But what was even more confusing was how when he looked around to check his surroundings, he was on a porch connected to a house with a large sight of the beach in front of them. 

“Cas-Castiel?” he gasped as he untangled the arms from his waist. Tears once again threatening to fall from his eyes and onto Castiel who stared up at him with blue wrinkled eyes and a beautiful smile on his face. 

Still amused for some damn reason, Castiel says, “Yes, that’s my name,” he smirked. “What is yours?” One of Castiel’s hands lay on Sam’s biceps. 

Was Castiel...  _ flirting _ with him? 

“Sam! C’mon man, you don’t remember me?” he begged.

Apparently, this concerned Cas as he took a step back, the smile gone from his face and was now replaced with a frown. “Are you alright, Sam? Are you sick?” he asked, worried. He took a step forward again with his two fingers on his forehead, presumably to check for a sign of a disease. 

“I’m fine, but  _ are you _ ?” asked Sam.

Castiel opened his mouth only to close it again, giving into Sam’s constant questions. “Yes, I am fine too,” he said slowly. “Did you drink too much of that wine Dean gave you? I should call Mary…”

“Wait-Wait,  _ what _ ?  _ Dean _ ’s here? No, no, mom’s here too?” said flabbergasted Sam, eyes widening. 

Now Castiel looked very worried. “Stay here and I’ll go get them…” he trailed off, his eyes staring warily at him as he went to fish something out of his pocket and called assumingly to Dean. 

None of this made any sense. What was happening? Was this a dream? It had to be. This was what Sam has always wanted in life. For all of them to be safe and in peace. Away from the monsters and end of the world stuff. The beach seemed too beautiful to be true. The house as well. 

And of course, Cas as well. 

He stood in the doorway of the bedroom, waiting for Dean to answer. His eyes kept darting back to him and back to his shoes. Castiel looked better. There were no longer bags under his eyes or very deep frown lines on his forehead. His eyes were brighter and he was more fit. Before Sam knew what he was doing, he was walking towards him. The angel was shocked when Sam grabbed the phone only to hang it up and throwing it on the one queen bed. 

“Sam?” he asked but then when Sam leaned down to press his lips against his, Cas sighs in pleasure. He fluttered his eyes opened, staring up at Sam, concern still in them. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

Sam could’ve not cared less if this was a cruel dream, or a vision (oh, God, let it be a vision) because all that mattered was this moment. Castiel was alive and they were together. Dean was there. Mom too. Everyone was there. The only thing Sam could do was mentally pray for the dream to never end as he grabbed the side of Cas’s face and kissed him again. 

“I’m alright,” he whispered, staring back at Cas. “We’re alright.”

Castiel hugged him, stuffing his face into Sam’s neck and sighing, the hot air hitting his skin.

“Everything’s alright.”

#    
  
  


_ let beauty come out of ashes _   
  


#    
  


Sam knows this couldn’t be a dream when he himself went to sleep on his bed with his arms wrapped around Castiel’s body, the angel’s back to the hunter’s chest, then woke up in the same exact bed in the same exact place with the same exact person. The said person slept peacefully in front of him. They were face to face, only that Sam was wide awake and shocked. 

_ Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. _

This was  _ not _ a dream.

Remember, Sam! What was the last thing that happened to you on the hunt? Wait,  _ hunt _ ? Oh, that’s right! Dean made Sam get out of bed and go on a hunt with him. What were they hunting? A vampire? A werewolf? A—?

“Sam?” 

The younger Winchester shook himself awake mentally and had to ogle as Castiel sat up and stretched, a soft moan releasing his lips when a loud pop was heard, then slumped back down with Sam  _ again _ , snuggling up to him. Sam had to remind himself  _ again _ that there was no way that this was actually  _ Castiel _ . He was killed by Lucifer himself and that this amazing place was probably a fragment of his imagination. Smiling inwardly at Cas, he tries to escape from Cas’s grip. 

Castiel protested by holding him harder, “What are you doing?” he asked, whining.

“I, uh, I have to pee,” he said dumbly. 

Castiel playfully glared at him before huffing and letting go. “Hurry back. I’m freezing,” he said, his lips slightly pouted before laying back in bed. Sam walked out of the room and made his way to one of the other rooms and closed the door, silently freaking out as he did so.

Shit.  _ Shit _ .  **_Shit_ ** . 

Why wasn’t Sam waking up? There was definitely something else going on here and it was honestly scaring him on how much Sam  _ liked _ this. 

Was this a second chance?

Sam jumped out of his skin when he heard voices behind the door. 

Was that his mom? And Dean?

Opening the door and peaking out, he nearly couldn’t hold back his gasp when he saw Lisa and Ben next to Dean, all smiling and looking so  _ happy _ . His mom looked younger and brighter. She sat on the couch of their home and was talking to Lisa who was beside her. While Dean and Ben stood by and listened to their conversation, joyful and genuine expressions on their faces. Sam was sure he was panicking inside.

This all seemed too  _ good _ to even be true. 

And Sam would definitely be fucking lying if he said he would never want to stay here forever.

 

 

_ let beauty come out of ashes _

 

 

He still couldn’t believe it. At this point, he wouldn’t even care if this was a witch’s spell at work. There was no way that there was any flaws in this dream— no, real life. He had his arm wrapped around Cas’s shoulders, laughing as Dean told a funny story with Ben. They all were sitting around at a table outside on the porch. The beach in front of them with a beautiful hue of blue (not as beautiful as Castiel’s eyes of course) and the pink and yellow skies above them was enough to make Sam want to stay there forever. 

But the catch that finally made him choose was when Castiel pressed his lips against his cheek and looked at Sam like he was the fucking world to the angel with a small smile, Sam fell completely at his feet and was ready to let Castiel control his life. “Sam Winchester,” he whispered, his dark lashes fanning out on his cheeks as he looked down at the younger Winchester’s lips. “I—“

“ _ What the— _ !” 

Everybody jumped to their feet, alert and Sam saw that Mary already had her hands on a switchblade that she pocketed out before the person that sneaked up on them could finish their sentence.

Sam gaped, “ _ Dean _ ?” 

There was two Dean’s currently looking at him, eyes wide with shock. 

 

“What?”

 

“Yes?”

 

What the absolute fuck.

 

Mary dug the blade deeper into a Dean’s throat, holding him in a chokehold. “Who are you and why do you look like my son?” she growled.

 

The fake (oh please let him be fake) Dean frowned as he struggled from Mary’s grip, wincing when upon learning that she wasn’t planning to let go any time soon. “Sam, everything and everyone you’re seeing. They’re not real, this is a Dijin’s work. Remember?” he persuaded.

 

Dijin. Right. He remembers everything now. The moment he stepped into the abandoned warehouse to the moment where he was knocked out from behind. He lets go of Castiel’s hand, who frowned in response, eyebrow furrowing together in confusion.

 

“I-I don’t understand. Sam, this can’t be true!” fought back Castiel as he stepped in front of him, eyes squinted in agony and lips agape. “Everything we’ve been through was to have this. Don’t-Don’t you remember us talking about this since  _ forever _ ?” 

Sam squeezed his eyes shut as the memory of them in bed flashed before his eyes. This, unfortunately, was true. They did have a conversation about it. It was Castiel who brought up the idea of being close to the water. After all, he did get the idea after living in a house with Kelly while protecting her. He loved hearing the sound of the birds nearby singing and the small waves crashing when it was windy. 

“I want to live near a beach,” Castiel spoke after cuddling for what seemed like hours and Sam couldn’t help but smile at that, pulling Castiel more into his chest. 

“That does sound nice.”

Back to the present where Castiel continued to stare at Sam with hurt eyes, he puts his hand on the middle of Sam’s chest. “All of that wasn’t pretend,” whimpered Cas, “this.” He beckoned them both, “isn’t pretend.”

The pain in Sam’s chest increased as he squeezed his eyes again, harder. Trying to erase everything he experienced his time there. This was fake. This had to be fake. Oh, but the temptation to stay there got stronger and stronger.

His Dean shared a look of pain similar to Castiel as he stared at him, waiting.

“I’m sorry, Cas—“ he started.

“I love you.” 

If Sam was drinking at the moment, he would’ve gagged or spat it everywhere. He stopped himself and he could’ve sworn his heart skipped a beat. Shaking, he asked, “What did you say?”

Castiel frowned as a small sad smile

made its way on his face. “I love you,” he repeated with more confidence. “ _ Stay _ .”

Before Sam could react to anything that came out of Castiel’s mouth such as the slipped “I love you,” even though he did hear it the first time right as rain, Castiel loudly gasped and looked down at him.

“ _ CAS _ !” yelled the Dean from the made-up world as Lisa and Ben screamed in horror.

Sam saw just in time for Castiel to fall to the floor, bleeding from the blade wound that Dean yanks back out. Mary lay dead next to Cas. Nearly laughing in hysteria, Dean pulled his arm and started to run. Helpless and confused, Sam lets him. 

“Sam, you need to wake up. All of this.” Dean referred to everywhere, “isn’t real. You need to  _ wake up _ —“

With that, Sam stood up from a flat surface and sharply exhaled. Dean doing the same next to him, looking relieved in a long time.

#    
  
  


_ and when i pray to God all i ask is _ _   
_ _ can beauty come out of ashes? _ __   
  


#    
  


“Are you sure you’re alright?” Dean asked for what seemed like the sixth time today and it wasn’t even 12 yet.

Sam groaned and hissed a hard  _ yes _ . Just leave him alone. 

He knows Dean is unsatisfied with the reply, but is thankful when Dean doesn’t add anything more. It was an awkward ride back to the bunker so he finally gets to his room and turns the lights off. He slumped onto his bed and cried.

He cried for the dream he could never have. He cried for Dean for once again losing Lisa and Ben. He cried for Castiel.

Then, he cried for the locket he lost in the hunt.

After all, ashes fade too.

#    
  
  


_ can beauty come out of ashes? _

 

 

 

 


End file.
